Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
