New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
