its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I look better un-naked...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
