our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We are all done wearing pants today
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
