Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize