My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You made out with two different species that night
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
