So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
