At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
