So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
