I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
