So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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