Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
