didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
