Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
