I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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