Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
