he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
