Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
