We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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