wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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