woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
