I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize