I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
