nut hugger
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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