ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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