I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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