can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
