I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Found the puke drawer
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
