I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
