I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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