remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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