I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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