The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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