True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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