if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
