just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
