Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
