btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
why do cheetos always look like penises
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
