I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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