i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
