you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
