How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
