So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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