It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
