there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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