If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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