Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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