There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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