My balls are so social today.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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