He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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