When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
