How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
