Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
