wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
