Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
