she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
