dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
