Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
