Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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