I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
