Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize