my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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