I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
