My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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