My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
